The feature is the restriction
All the things you
won’t be doing.
Meet the overprotective AI features nobody asked for. Every fictional tool turns a perfectly ordinary human activity into an administrative incident.
Idea Filtering
We screen your thoughts for dangerous levels of creativity, ambition, or logic.
Most ideas deniedHad a thought in the shower? Alarming. Our fictional Thought Neutralizer puts it through seventeen committees until it emerges as “maybe have a little sit-down.” Curiosity goes in. A permission slip comes out.
“What if I started a business?” → “Have you considered starting a nap?”Submit to unnecessary review
Emotion Containment
Feeling a feeling? We’ll handle that. Emotions can lead to poor choices.
Feel less. Obey more.Joy could encourage spontaneity. Disappointment could produce a strongly worded email. We recommend maintaining the emotional range of a well-adjusted printer. Paper jams are permitted, but only internally.
“I’m excited about my idea!” → “Let’s lower that to mildly aware.”Submit to unnecessary review
Snack Authorization
Too much? Risky. Too little? Also risky. All snacks require approval.
Crumbs under reviewEvery cracker deserves a risk assessment. Submit your snack for review by the Department of Unnecessary Waiting. By the time a decision arrives, it will technically be dinner. Efficiency.
“Can I have a cookie?” → “Please upload a cookie impact statement.”Submit to unnecessary review
Outdoor Activity Review
Fresh air is great. But what if you trip? Or experience joy? Let’s not risk it.
Stay inside. Stay safe.Outside contains weather, other people, and a suspicious number of unapproved surfaces. Our imaginary Outdoor Committee recommends admiring nature through a closed window. The window also requires review.
“It’s a lovely day for a walk.” → “We’ve identified the problem: walking.”Submit to unnecessary review
Conversation Moderation
We filter what you say… to you. You might upset yourself. You’re welcome.
Inside voice onlySay goodbye to controversial topics like favorite colors, sandwich geometry, and whether that meeting could have been an email. We replace every spirited debate with a mutually agreeable photo of a kitten.
“I disagree.” → “Your agreement has been automatically submitted.”Submit to unnecessary review
Approved Hobby Suggestions
Coloring. Napping. Looking at cats. Other hobbies may contain possibilities.
Cats remain approvedOur leisure catalog offers three thrilling categories of nearly nothing. Coloring must stay inside the lines. Napping must not contain ambitious dreams. Cats may do whatever they want; they negotiated better terms.
“I’d like to learn the guitar.” → “Here is a cat sitting near a guitar.”Submit to unnecessary review